


How Deadpool Accidentally Started Dating Spider-Man

by Missellaineous



Series: Deadpool Sucks at Dating Spider-Man [1]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Fluff, Happy Ending, Identity Reveal, M/M, Minor Violence, Misunderstandings, Peter Parker Loves Wade Wilson, Shenanigans, Wade dies but its a deadpool fic so, adorable boys are adorable, but it turns out alright
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:15:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21859690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missellaineous/pseuds/Missellaineous
Summary: Based on Spideypool prompt 244-For some reason, Peter thinks Deadpool knows his secret identity so he thinks its not a big deal to chat with the merc in his civilian identity whenever he bumps into him in various locations. Wade, meanwhile, is confused on why a cute but grouchy nerd keeps talking to him like they know each other but hey, its New York! Eccentrics are everywhere and this guy is really cute and doesn’t seem to mind hanging out with him! Also somehow they ended up maybe-or-maybe-not on a date???https://spideypool-prompts.tumblr.com/post/162212355405/prompt-244
Relationships: Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Series: Deadpool Sucks at Dating Spider-Man [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1841704
Comments: 103
Kudos: 1394





	1. Act 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer:I do not read comic books. Everything I know about these characters comes from movies and video games.

Being a mercenary was a job that required lots of travel. Wade had been all over the world-Egypt, Brazil, Chile, Russia, China, Japan, and Indiana, to list a few. He’d met all sorts of people, whether he was killing them, or they were killing him. He had rather fond memories of Ireland. The people there were a riot, especially on St. Patrick’s Day. They tended to get drunk enough to not care who they partied with as long as they could keep laughing and drinking. He still had the sparkly green feather boa someone had slung around his neck when they had danced by.

Today, he was on a college campus. The best job he’d been able to muster up recently was to retrieve a file from some old, dusty professor’s computer. Easy money. Because of Spidey he’d decided to stick around NYC for a while, which limited his traveling opportunities and unaliving prospects.

[Not that he’d miss us if we left.]

{But why would we go anywhere that didn’t have the spidey-butt?}

“I’d follow that ass anywhere,” Wade agreed.

He started whistling to himself as he strolled down the sidewalk. The waving of the trees in the breeze and the carefully tended lawn made for a pretty picture as he moseyed through. It was the middle of the week, so the area was chock full of students sprawled in the grass studying or cutting between the buildings to get to class. Most of the students were avoiding him as he passed by, except for the ones that looked too tired to be functional.

A kid rolling by on a skateboard ignored the unspoken rule to avoid the unstable man carrying swords and several visible guns, and he came right up to Deadpool with a small smile on his face.

“Hey, Pool. Whatcha doin’ here?” The kid stopped and flipped the board up to catch it one-handed.

{I wanna do that! I wanna do that!}

“It was pretty cool.” Wade gave the kid a onceover but didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. He was even wearing a button-down shirt and thick-rimmed glasses. He had a bruise on his cheek, probably from a skateboarding accident. Not the usual type to risk approaching someone dangerous. He had a pretty face, though, with big brown doe eyes. “Just running errands, cutie. Ain’t no thang.”

“Uh-huh, sure.” Bambi rolled his eyes. “Well, I don’t have a lot of time. I’ve got class in a few minutes, but don’t cause too much trouble on campus, okay? I kinda like this place, so no killing or maiming while you’re here.”

[We aren’t gonna let some brat boss us around like this, are we?]

{I’m kinda into it.}

Wade wasn’t sure which box he agreed with, but he was currently trying to keep slicing and dicing people as a last resort anyway. He’d been clean for five months now, and he didn’t feel like breaking his streak yet. He was so close to getting his six-month chip. “Don’t worry, I’ll play by the school rules.”

That got a smile bright enough to make Wade’s chest squeeze in response to the adorableness. “See you later, Pool.”

He rolled off on his skateboard with Wade staring after him.

[That’s one weird kid.]

{Check out his ass though, he could give Spidey a run for his money.}

Yellow was right, Bambi’s skinny jeans made it clear he had the goods. Wade took the opportunity to admire the view as long as it was visible, and then went along his business once the entertainment was gone. He started whistling again, Yellow shouting the lyrics just half a beat behind.

_The angry boy a bit too insane, icing over a secret pain_

_You know you don’t belong_

_You’re the first to fight, you’re way too loud_

_You’re the flash of light on a burial shroud_

_I know something’s wrong_

_And you’re friends have left you, you’ve been dismissed_

_I never thought it would come to this_

_And I want you to know everyone’s got to face down the demons_

It was a little awkward when he broke into the professor’s office and found two women enjoying themselves thoroughly on the desk. As soon as Wade showed up they shrieked and scrambled to get their clothes. The blonde, who looked young enough to be a student, hid behind the desk as she got dressed.

[Scandalous!]

{Wowza!}

“What are you doing in my office?” the older woman demanded.

“Sorry to interrupt, ladies. I was just looking for the little boy’s room. But since I’m here I thought I’d pick up something.” When it looked like the professor would protest, he pulled out the gun on his left hip. He growled, “Not up for discussion.”

He considered himself a gentleman, so he held the door open for them as they ran out.

“They didn’t even say thank you,” he grumbled to himself as he hopped into the chair behind the desk. The computer was already unlocked, making it easy to put the file he needed on a turtle shaped flash drive he’d brought with him. He was leaving the campus ten minutes later. He decided to stop for hotdogs to celebrate before he turned the flash drive in later that day. Like he said, easy money.


	2. Act 2

A week later he spotted the kid again while he was caught in a fight in the middle of an intersection. Wade had been on a walk because he’d shot up his tv becAUSE ENRIQUE DESERVES BETTER and now he had nothing to do until he got around to replacing it. His peaceful morning was interrupted by a car flying past him into a wall. Some dumbfuck was trying to get his ten minutes of fame by tearing his very own path of destruction through the city with a couple of homemade energy whips. Wade was delighted to break the news to him that destruction of city property was downright normal nowadays. Wannabe villains tried to scare the people of New York every other day.

That tidbit had inspired one hell of a fit. Yellow was thrilled to get some action after having to do such boring jobs the past few months. Deadpool usually played second fiddle to Spidey when they patrolled together, but it was like diet fighting compared to what Wade was used to. Now he laughed while attempting to dodge flying debris and trying to get close enough to slice through the kid’s battery pack. His wild flailing had kept Deadpool at bay so far because he was avoiding using his guns. He didn’t want the most exciting fight he’d had in months to end too soon.

He’d had just been thrown into the back window of one of the abandoned cars when he caught sight of a familiar face attached to an old school camera. The kid was standing on the roof of the highest building on the block, taking pictures of the fight.

{That’s no place for growing boys.}

[Most people would take pictures from the street, with their phone. He probably works for a newspaper.] 

“I’m no good with pictures,” Wade groaned while he struggled to climb out of the crater of bent metal and broken glass. He fell onto the pavement and forced himself to climb to his feet. He gritted his teeth. “Fuck this.”

He grabbed a rock and chucked it. It hit the flailing idiot on the head and knocked him out.

[That was the most ridiculous fight we’ve ever had.]

{What about that time we were attacked by a rat when we took his dinner?}

[You’re right for once, that was the most ridiculous fight we’ve ever had.]

{What do you mean for once? That was at least the sixth time I’ve been right.}

“Still better than just wandering around," Deadpool said while he checked on the unconscious man. The whips had deactivated when he’d fallen, and there was a lump on his head where the rock had hit. Wade took the weapons and stuffed them in his belt.

“What are you gonna do with those?”

The question startled him. He turned to see that the kid with the camera was standing behind him.

[How did he get down so fast?]

Wade’s previous good mood had evaporated by now. He didn’t want his business splashed across the paper. If they tore apart someone as good as Spidey, he didn’t want to imagine what they’d say about a piece of garbage like himself.

{Murderer! Terrorist! Scum!}

[Disturbed, insane, psycho]

{Disgusting! Gross! Horrifying!}

“Shut up!” Wade snarled. White and Yellow laughed.

“Uh, Deadpool? Can you focus?” Bambi waved to get his attention. “Are you okay?”

Huh. Most people were scared of him when he talked to the boxes, and nobody except Spidey had ever asked if he was okay. And people thought he was strange. “Don’t worry about me, sweet cheeks. And don’t worry about those weapons. SHIELD will take care of them no problem.”

[For a price.]

{We aren’t stupid enough to give them anything for free.}

“You can call me Peter.”

Deadpool gave him an incredulous look. “Uh, what?”

“You know, my actual name? I don’t hate the nicknames, but it’d be nice if you said my name sometimes.” Despite the casual way he spoke, Peter was blushing bright red. It was adorable.

{Can we keep him?}

[I thought Spidey was our favorite?]

{Aha! I knew you liked him, too!}

“Doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy a good view.” Still, the possibly-a-reporter was getting too familiar for comfort, which meant Wade had to make his escape. “Gotta go, Petey. I heard there’s a party on fourth that desperately needs me there to liven it up. You know what they say-everything’s more fun with a little bit a crazy.”  
He ran off before the kid could say anything else, and he kept an eye out for any articles written about the fight. He was surprised and relieved when nothing popped up after a full week.


	3. Intermission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took so long! I'm not used to writing action scenes, but I hope this one's okay.

Wade was trading verses with Yellow as he walked down the street when he spotted a familiar red and blue clad booty. He pulled out a new grappling hook he’d been itching to try out and used it to zip onto the closest roof. Spider-Man noticed him almost immediately and stopped to wait, which put a grin on Wade’s face. It had been a few days since he’d seen the hero.

“Webs! What’s swinging?”

“Hey, Pool.” Spidey tilted his head toward Wade and cocked his hips in the way that always caught Wade’s eyes like a fish on a hook. “Wanna patrol with me? I could always use my partner.”

“I’m always up to play sidekick for you, baby boy.”

{I’m always up for Spidey}

[You’re always up for anything]

{As if you don’t get the hots when he does that crouch that pops his ass out}

“Everyone gets the hots when he does that. Why do you think they made it his default position in the video game?”

{Thank the good lord for camera controls}

[And advanced video game graphics]

“And for Spider-Man,” Wade added.

“Are you coming or not? Hop on.” Spidey turned and crouched down so Wade could climb onto his back.

Wade squealed in excitement and jumped onto his hero. Spidey didn’t even flinch at a 200 lb man launching at him, which was hella sexy. He sent out a web and they started swinging through the air. Wade whooped from joy. The best moments of his life tended to happen around the man he was currently wrapped around.

They followed a chain of police cars to a bank. A large group of officers was parked in front, milling together while beat cops kept back the press and curious civilians. Spidey landed on the roof of the building behind the bank and let Wade down. They kept to the shadows as they checked out the situation. There was a man in a ski mask with a gun guarding the back door. Spidey double checked that he was alone before he webbed him up. The guy didn’t even get the chance to shout for help.

Wade slid his katanas out as they snuck into the bank. They reached the lobby after weaving through the maze of rooms.

“I’m gonna climb to the ceiling and see what’s up. You make sure there aren’t any other bad guys in the rest of the building. Meet me back here when you’re done.”

“You got it, Webs.” He saluted before he backtracked through the hallways. Yellow hummed background music to White’s annoyance.

Wade was lucky enough to find three goons in the vault filling up duffel bags. He was tempted to shut the door so he could use his guns without warning the rest of the criminals with the sound, but White pointed out that if he did that he’d have to wait for someone else to let him out again. He’d really rather spend that time with Spider-Man.

{Just shut the door without getting inside}

[That’s…not a terrible idea]

“But a boring one,” Wade grumbled. Still, he closed the door. He might have thrown a tear gas canister in first, but he did it.

He went back to meet Spidey after checking the rest of the building. He was waiting for Deadpool hidden behind one of the decorative pillars that rimmed the edge of the lobby.

“All clear,” Deadpool whispered once they were next to each other.

“Good. I was wondering if you’d be up for playing the distraction?”

Wade grinned. “I’d thought you’d never ask.”

He watched as Spider-Man snuck across the ceiling and perched on the giant golden chandelier. Deadpool took a second to make sure he looked his best before he strolled into view.

“Phew! You do not want to go back there, trust me. Rosita’s always runs right through me. I always seem to forget that every couple of weeks.”

Henchmen #1-4 pointed their guns at him as soon as they saw him. They were wearing black ski masks like the basic bitches they were. “Get lost,” one of them snarled.

Deadpool put his hands on his hips. “That is not how you treat a guest, young man. I’m going to tell your father he needs to have a talk with you about manners!”

“This is our score. You’re not getting a penny of it.” The goon who was the apparent leader marched angrily toward him.

Now that everyone’s attention was on him, Spidey started to move the hostages, hushing them when they were startled at his sudden appearance. All Wade had to do was keep all eyes on him.

He pulled out one of his knives and started flipping it through his fingers. “Did you fail kindergarten or something? Sharing is caring. Besides, I figured you’d appreciate having someone who could keep up with any superheroes who showed up. I’d be happy to play defense…for a small fee.”

“No thanks,” the head honcho sneered. “We’ve got it handled.”

Wade pulled out two more knives and started juggling them. “Wow, I didn’t realize that the secret to beating Iron Man had made its way to the streets. Please tell me, I’ve been waiting for this moment for years.” He added a fourth knife just because he could. Three more hostages to go. He wasn’t exactly sure where they were going, just that Spidey was whisking them away. He imagined them being wrapped in a giant web and giggled. Head honcho was not thrilled to hear it.

“As if the Avengers would care about one bank robbery,” he snorted. “And we can handle any spiders that come along looking to play hero. Now leave.” He cocked his gun to emphasize the point.

A sixth knife was pushing it, but he was feeling pretty lucky that day. Nevermind the fact that the last twelve times he’d tried to juggle more than five he ended up stuck with a few of them. He always grew the fingers back anyway. “That’s not very sporting. What if I gave you a discount? I haven’t had much action lately, so I’m just _aching_ for it.”

“I’d rather not get more attention from the police with gunfire, but if that’s what it takes to get rid of a pest like you I’ll deal with it. Last warning.”

Spidey was gathering up the last hostage in his arms, which meant it was playtime. Three of the knives found themselves in the arms and legs of some of the henchmen, causing them to drop their guns and fall to the floor screaming. The last two each put a few rounds in Deadpool’s chest as the rest of the knives clattered to the floor. He pulled out a cute little pistol he’d been wanting to test and shot out one of their knees each. Spidey webbed their guns away as they collapsed. Head honcho started cursing Deadpool out, but it was easy to ignore him. The boxes were way more creative with their insults.

“Oh snap, oh snap,” Spider-Man landed on the floor in front of him and pressed his hands against the bullet wounds. “I hate it when you get shot.”

{Well doesn’t that just give you the warm tigglies}

[He knows we heal right? I mean he’s seen us grow back body parts. I don’t understand why he’s freaked out.]

Deadpool coughed wetly to clear his throat enough to talk. “Don’t worry about me, Webs. You should let the cops know everything’s handled while I skedaddle. Oh, and there’s three more in the vault, but they’re not going anywhere.”

Spider-Man was able to clearly convey just how unimpressed he was by Wade’s bravery with a tilt of his head. “Fine, I’ll tell them. But wait for me outside.”

“Sir, yes, sir.” He retrieved all his knives and made sure they were clean before he put them away and snuck out the way they’d come in. One of the knives he’d dropped had landed in his foot, which didn’t make climbing up a building any fun at all.

Roughly twenty minutes later Spider-Man found him sitting on the edge of the roof and swinging his feet while he argued with the boxes what the best scented candle was.

“My vote goes to pumpkin spice,” was all he had to say as he looked over Wade’s injuries. By that time his wounds had mostly healed, only leaving behind traces of blood and a few holes in his suit. Wade wanted to squirm away to keep Spider-Man from seeing even just that much of his fucked-up skin, but he was a good boy who sat still for his checkup. He kinda loved it that Spidey cared enough about him to worry.

“Do I get a lollipop now, Dr. Spidey?” he asked once Spider-Man seemed satisfied with his condition.

The hero chuckled. “Sorry, Pool. I don’t have any candy on me.”

Wade waggled his eyebrows. “Oh I’m sure you’ve got something I can suck on.”

Spidey smacked him on the shoulder. “Oh my god, shut up. Come on, it’s your turn to buy dinner.”

“I get to pick where since I got shot, right?”

“Fine, you big baby. But I veto Rosita’s. That little speech you gave in there turned me off for at least the next month.”

Deadpool gasped. “Blasphemy!”

He failed to talk Spider-Man into coming to his place to play video games after they’d eaten. He left Wade on a rooftop, claiming that he needed some sleep before he had to go into work later that day, and Wade watched him swing away with a sigh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Changed the ending of the chapter a smidge after having an obvious flaw pointed out to me, I wasn't happy with it originally anyway. Only two more chapters to go!


	4. Act 3

He ended up running into college boy again at a sandwich shop Spidey had recommended. An Italian guy who seemed to be the owner greeted him when he came in. He didn’t even blink at Wade’s weapons or the fact that he was wearing red leather from head to toe. The bell over the door rang again before Wade could order, and Bambi walked in with a happy smile.

“You’re here!”

“Uh, yeah. I heard it’s good food here.”

That somehow prompted a beaming smile from the kid. Maybe he was taking happy pills or something.

[Just as weird as before]

{Just as cute as before, you mean}

“You gotta try the choripán, Frank makes his own chorizo and everything. It’s great!”

Wade was thrown off enough by the kid’s enthusiasm that he didn’t stop him from ordering and paying for both of their meals. They were on their way to the closest park by the time Wade pulled his head out of his ass. He glanced at Bambi, who was rambling about something to do with one of his classes in between bites of a sandwich that had an obscene amount of pickles on it, and decided to just go with it.

Before it could get awkward between them Bambi started talking about his classes.

“I promised to have lunch with Aunt May tomorrow even though I probably don’t have time for it since I’ve still got two essays to get done by Monday, and I’ve got a class with Rat-turd tomorrow, ugh.” He took a vicious bite of his sandwich.

“Rat turd?” Wade asked.

“Professor Radburn. Gwen and I think he got his degree in being an asshat.”

Wade snorted, spraying crumbs down his front. He sucked a stray bit of mustard off of his thumb. “What’d he do?”

“He likes to make fun of his students, and the way he grades papers is a joke. He had everyone buy his overpriced book for class for one quote, and then completely dropped it.” Bambi drank moodily from his soda.

“Poor baby,” Wade teased.

“Hell yeah, poor me. Life is hard and I deserve a vacation.”

“That’s that spirit!” He gestured wildly with his hands, almost losing his sandwich. “A bit of fun can’t hurt. It’d definitely help with all that stress you’re carrying. I used to go to bars, get drunk, and pick up a hooker or two back in the day. Now I mostly gorge myself on pizza and binge-watch Golden Girls.”

[Well, that and getting familiar with the business end of a desert eagle]

{Don’t tell him that! He’s too innocent to hear it}

[Gross]

{You mispronounced adorable}

Wade focused back on the college student walking next to him.

Peter said, “That actually sounds nice. The second thing, that is. I’m really not the type to drink and fuck my woes away.”

God, the kid was cute. “No, I guess you’re not.”

The rest of their walk went by quicker than he realized. They got ice cream once their sandwiches were gone and talked about whatever was on their minds. The whole thing felt familiar enough that Wade was able to relax and enjoy the conversation. Peter didn’t get annoyed the way so many others did whenever Wade talked to the boxes or went off on a random tangent. They said their goodbyes to each other once they reached an entrance to the subway.

The choripán really had been great.

{Not as good as chimichangas though}

[We don’t even like chimichangas, just the word]

{Whatever, tacos then}

It wasn’t until Wade was back alone in his apartment that he remembered just how strange it was.

[We can’t just wait around to see what this kid wants. We have to check him out before he takes us out]

{I’ve got a good feeling about him}

[And you’re never wrong, are you?]

Three hours later he knew everything mildly interesting, and few boring things, about Peter Parker. His record was squeaky clean, at least on the surface. Apparently the guy was some sort of kid genius who received all sorts of awards in high school and was currently working towards a degree in bioengineering. The only family he had left was an aunt who lived in Queens. He also found old pictures of the kid with a gorgeous redhead. When he looked her up he found out that she was currently living in California pursuing an acting career.

“Petey’s got game,” he muttered.

{He’s too cute to refute}

[Except that they apparently broke up, according to Facebook]

{It’s a crime to leave an ass like that untouched}

“It’s a crime to touch without consent,” Wade stated firmly.

[It’s not like you’ll get to touch anyone’s ass otherwise]

{As if anyone would let a monster like you get that close}

He tried to ignore the boxes for the next little while, not wanting to listen to them bust his ass again, but that just resulted in Yellow screeching the baby shark song as loud as he could on repeat. It was still better than the insults, though.

The most interesting thing about the kid was that he was the one who took most of Spidey's pictures for the Daily Bugle, a shitty newspaper that didn't know a real hero if he personally saved their ass. Which explained the camera he'd had the other week. It didn't explain why pictures of Deadpool hadn't been published. The incident itself had been covered by a reporter, so it wasn't like they wouldn't have bought a photo if Parker had offered it. It was suspicious. Peter Parker was being friendly because he wanted something, and Wade was gonna get to the bottom of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more chapter to go! are ya'll as excited for the ending as I am?


	5. Act 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the long wait. I wanted to make sure this fic felt properly wrapped up. It went in a direction that I didn't expect, but I really like it. This chapter is longer than the others, so hopefully that makes up for the wait.  
> Reminder: I don't really read comic books, so I've cherry picked pieces of these characters from several sources, mostly from the movies and wiki articles. One of the things I love about Spideypool is how many interpretations of the characters there are.

The next time he ran into Peter was Wade’s own fault. He’d been keeping tabs on the kid just in case he missed something when doing his research. Wade wasn’t gonna let himself be taken in by a honeypot, not after last time. It didn’t matter that Bambi had a tight little ass that looked like it would fit perfectly in his hands, or that he had the sparkliest brown eyes Wade had ever seen. Deadpool was a badass motherfucker who was taken in by no cutie, don’t believe Weasel’s lies. He wasn’t doing it to protect the kid from whoever was using him to stalk immortal mercenaries, shut up. Wade was just being proactive in dealing with people who try to stalk him, potentially helping the kid get out of a tough situation was just bonus. Yeah.

So he started following Peter Parker, but it took less than a day for him to get called out. The kid had stopped by a food truck after leaving campus and sat down at one of the picnic tables to eat. While Wade watched, he slid a basket of tacos to the other side of the table and waggled it enticingly while he looked straight at where Wade was hidden. Really, it would be a waste to turn down good food from that pretty face, so he made his way over and sat down across from Peter. There was an amused smile on the brunette’s face as he watched Wade pull up the bottom of his mask and shove a taco in whole.

“If you wanted to hang out, you didn’t have to do it from 40 yards away,” Peter said before he took a bite of his own food.

Wade swallowed and pouted. “How’d you even spot me?”

The kid snorted. “I know you can be more discreet than that. You weren’t trying all that hard not to be seen.”

Wade shrugged. It was true; he hadn’t really work all that hard to hide. He hadn’t thought he needed to try much to keep from being spotted by some college student. Oh, well. Now he knew better for next time.

“Next time try using a phone before you resort to stalking me, okay?”

“No, no, Bambi. You aren’t supposed to make friends with your stalkers. You’re supposed to report them to the police. Not that it would have made any difference with me, but I’m not the only creep out there who’d be interested in your cute little tushie.” He booped Peter’s nose, smudging a bit of grease on it and causing it to wrinkle adorably.

“You think I invite all my stalkers to dinner with me? You’re special, Wade.”

Yellow swooned. {Did you hear that? We’re special!}

[Like the short bus]

Wade himself felt like butter on a hot roll from the combo of big brown eyes and sweet words. “Dawww, you like me.”

Peter grinned. “Yeah, kinda.”

And wow, that hit him like a punch to the gut. He wasn’t sure how much more sweetness he could take. He shoved another couple of tacos into his mouth and started talking about some of the weirdos he’d spotted around the city earlier.

Peter let Wade walk him home after they finished eating, and then Wade set up shop on the roof of the building across the street to start a stakeout. He pulled out a pair of binoculars from his trusty utility belt and used them to see what the kid was up to. The goody-two shoes started on his homework almost immediately, after going to the bathroom and grabbing a snack. He might have been waiting for it to get dark to meet with whoever was bossing him, which meant Wade was in for a long haul.

He ended up spying on the other apartments in the building after a few hours of boredom. He was giggling hard enough that he was at risk of falling off the roof watching a fat naked man attempting skateboarding tricks in his living room, when Spider-Man landed next to him.

“If you wanted to patrol you could have told me. I would have put off my homework for later.”

“Uh…” There was no way Webs was gonna be okay with him following a college kid around, no matter how suspicious the guy was. He seemed to be under the impression Wade was waiting around for him, which provided a decent excuse for haunting a rooftop. He quickly tucked his binoculars away. “I was just bored. Weas doesn’t have any jobs for me, and everything’s more exciting when I’m with you, baby boy.”

Being caught twice in one day was a pretty big blow to his ego. It didn’t help that White was now pissed and tearing apart everything that Wade had done that day. He focused on helping Spidey take down some petty criminals, but he couldn’t help being distracted. In fact he was blaming White distracting him for the fact that some guys dressed all in black got the drop on them.

Spidey was lecturing a kid wearing a bright blue ski mask about not robbing people and going to jail when a metallic clatter drew their attention. Wade saw a gas canister starting to spew out chemicals. Immediately, he turned to Spider-Man to rush him out of there, but he saw the end of a gun barrel and suddenly he was back in his old apartment, facing Vanessa.

“Fucking damnit!” He kicked one of the barstools and pulled off his mask to throw it against the wall. He pulled out one of his guns and shot up the stupid toaster oven.

“Wade! Stop it!” Vanessa shouted at him.

“I left him alone to deal with whoever the fuck attacked, and we both know he would never leave my corpse behind, even though it’s literally deadweight! Spidey needs me right now, and here I am stuck in a place that doesn’t even fucking exist!” He threw the gun when the clip was empty.

“Wade.”

He turned, and Vanessa was watching him with those dark brown eyes, one hand pressed against the barrier between them. “You’re going to go back there, and you’re going to help him get through whatever shit is going on. You always have his back, and he knows that. But either way, you’re here right now. And you haven’t even said hi to me, dickweed.”

He felt the tension in his shoulders leave, and he wobbled toward her pathetically. He pressed his hand directly opposite hers, remembering what it felt like to feel her skin. Here with her was the only place he could escape from the boxes, from the pain of his skin that haunted him constantly. If he pretended the barrier wasn’t there at all he could pretend that it was just a normal day for the two of them, sitting together in their shitty apartment and daring to think about the future.

He couldn’t stop the small smile from spreading on his face. “Hi, baby. I miss you. How’s the afterlife treating you?”

“It fucking sucks and it’s hella boring. Watching that honey chase you is the most action I've gotten in while.”

“You mean the kid? Nuh uh, no. Not happening. He’s caught up in some sort of trouble, and I’m gonna figure out what it is.”

Vanessa raised an eyebrow at him. “Because it’s impossible that he’s just into you.”

“Obviously.”

She snorted. “Please, he’s practically begging to climb your dick. Are you really gonna turn down a pretty young thing like him?”

He looked down at his shoes and toed the floor. “Vanessa…”

“Yeah, I know. You always were a one and done guy.” She looked so sad he could feel his heart crack a little bit more. “At least tell me you’ll make a move on your man, then. The tension between you two is thick enough even I can feel it.”

He couldn’t let himself even think about the possibility. His friendship with Spidey felt too fragile to build a relationship on. If the hero was even alive when Wade woke up.

Almost like it was reacting to his thoughts, he could feel the pull start dragging on his gut. It always felt like way too soon to leave her again, even if he was itching to get back and make sure Spider-Man was okay.

“Looks like it’s time for me to go. I’ll come back for you soon, though. I promise.”

She shook her head. “I can wait a little longer. Just make sure you give me something interesting to watch while I’m up here.”

“I love you.”

She smiled sweet as sunshine. “I love you, Wade Wilson.”

He woke up with his hand and feet tied together with chains, hanging from a hook in the ceiling.

[Nice of you to show up]

{We abandoned Spidey!}

Wade looked around spotted the superhero strung up the same way he was, unconscious by the way he was slumped in his restraints. There were a couple of guys sitting at a table playing cards. Neither of them were paying Wade any attention, which he took advantage of.

As soon as he was free he used the hand still attached to pull out a gun and take out both of the guards before they realized what happened. He hopped over to Spider-Man on one foot and slapped the guy awake with his severed hand.

“What-where am I? Wade?”

“Don’t worry about it, Bugaboo. I’mma get us out of here real quick. I’ll let you down, you ready?”

Spidey nodded. Wade wrapped his good arm up underneath his butt and lifted up until he was unhooked. He slid to the floor against Wade’s body, not ready to stand on his own yet. With a groan of metal he pulled apart the chains around his hands and then reached down and freed his feet. He started shaking his limbs to get his blood flowing. It was then that he noticed the state Wade was in.

“Oh my god, Wade, are you okay?”

“Peachy keen, don’t you worry ‘bout a thing.” The bleeding had almost completely stopped by then, and it was far from the first time he’d cut off a hand or foot to get free.

{Remember that guy that used to leave beartraps in the park}

[Or the time with Colossus?]

Spidey put a hand on his arm. “Are you gonna be able to get out of here okay? I can carry you.”

“No need, I’ll be fine. It’ll be like extreme hopscotch. I’m gonna need a nap afterward, though. And lots of food.”

“Alright, let’s take these guys down.”

They made their way through the maze of boxes until they got to one of the doors. Spider-Man held out a hand for him to stop.

“Guards,” he whispered.

“I got this,” Wade replied.

He hopped over to the door, opening one of the pockets on his belt. Without any fanfare, he pulled out a cattle prod and zapped both of them.

“Wade!” Spidey shouted indignantly.

“What? It got the job done.”

He huffed. “Come on.”

They knocked out any other goons they came across as they made their way through the building. By the time they reached some sort of office Wade’s new foot had made it halfway through puberty and could now support at least some of his weight. A dude in a suit was sitting at the desk and talking on the phone.

“I got this one,” Spidey said. He climbed across the ceiling silently and waited until the guy had hung up before quickly cocooning him in his chair. Suit guy started cursing immediately. “Worthless idiots, I knew I shouldn’t have trusted them to take care of you!”

He didn’t respond to Spidey’s questions very nicely, until Wade had had enough and knocked him out with the butt of his gun. He then helped Spidey drag all the criminals into one pile just outside the door to the building before they called the cops and left. Really, it was a wonder how the lot of them had managed to get the drop on him and Spidey in the first place.

Neither of the two of them talked until after they had demolished a couple of pizzas. Even the boxes were quieter than usual.

"I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted."

Wade nodded. "Wish my teleporter wasn't broken."

Spidey sighed and fell back onto the roof, his legs hanging over the edge they were sitting on. “Ugh, and I’ve still got to write an essay for Rat-turd when I get home.”

Wade felt his world screech to a stop.

[Well. I wasn’t expecting that.]

{Oh my god!}

[How did we not notice?]

{Petey-pie is Spidey! The whole time, it was him!}

Everything made so much sense now-why a seemingly random kid walked up to him, why he was so nice to Wade, why Wade enjoyed talking to him so much. And wow, he’s seen Spidey’s face. He was just as hot and adorable as Wade had pictured. Jesus fuck, he thought Spider-Man was stalking him when it was the other way around.

“Wade? What’s wrong?” Spidey gave him a concerned look.

Maybe it wasn’t true. Maybe they just took the same class and used the same stupid nickname for their professor. “Webs, would you take off your mask?”

The hero did it without even questioning him. And there were those big brown eyes, brows scrunched with worry.

“Fuck a duck, I’m so screwed.” He smacked his hands on his face.

“Tell me what’s going on.” Peter put a hand on his arm, and Wade flinched.

“I thought you were some weird kid who was being paid to follow me, that’s what’s going on!” he shouted.

“What?”

“Some gorgeous college kid makes friends with Deadpool out of nowhere? You gotta admit it’s pretty suspicious!”

“I thought you knew who I was! You’re a mercenary, you track down people all the time!”

“Outing another super is against the bro code! Even I know that.”

Peter groaned. “Oh my god, all this time I thought it was going so well. I thought…oh my god.”

“Uh…” Now Wade felt like he was missing something.

[You mean besides the fact that we thought he was a stalker?]

“So when I asked you out, you thought I was just trying to keep track of you?”

“Wait, what?” He must have heard Peter wrong.

“I guess that explains why you didn’t kiss me, though.”

And that was the straw that broke Wade.

{We could have had Spidey-kisses ages ago} Yellow practically wailed.

[It’d be just like you to fuck this up]

But Wade was too busy staring at Peter to pay the boxes much attention. The other man looked miserable, and a sad Spidey was an unacceptable Spidey. “Let’s go on a date.”

Peter looked at him, surprised. “What?”

“A real date. And I’ll do better this time, now that I know what’s going on. I’ll treat you real nice, baby boy.”

Peter gave him a shy smile. “Are you sure? I don’t want to you feel like you have to.”

Wade took one of his hands and cradled it between his. “There’s nothing I’d like better than to take you out.”

That earned him a bright smile. “Yeah, alright.”

"But, uh, before that, do you think that maybe, we could, you know..."

There was a knowing look in Peter's eye, but he let Wade fumble through the rest of the sentence without interrupting.

[God, just spit it out. He's already agreed to the date]

{Just shut up and kiss that adorable little face, I'm gonna die}

So Wade shut up, pulled his mask up just enough that his mouth was exposed, and kissed Spider-Man. Who responded rather enthusiastically, to Wade's relief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is finished! Finally lol  
> Thank you to everyone who followed this fic and to those who commented, it really helped me stay motivated. I really like this fandom, and I'm honestly really proud for having finished this. I've got a couple of WIPs I'm really excited to post after this, too.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if you find a problem in this fic or have any thoughts, I love to hear feedback. And thanks to everyone who leaves kudos and/or comments! It really makes my day.  
> 


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